A mirror reflects: specifically, a mirror typically reflects us back to ourselves. We can use a mirror to see what is usually invisible -- our own face, what's standing unseen behind us.
That's what I think I need right now -- a mirror, in this case in text, to help me see what I can't otherwise, to see my face, to see behind me. I may have to hold it at an angle, and catch only glimpses of what I'm hoping to see clearly, but it's at least a start.
So, what do I have to say here? And why?
Well, I'm in my forties, and I'm beginning to think that it's time to grow up. It's not that I've been feckless until now; I've been a loving and responsible friend and family-member and partner. But I'm wondering if there haven't been times that I haven't been a very effective me. And I've realized I'm not at all sure how I'd know.
I'm also looking for a place where I can reflect -- there it is again! -- honestly on my mother's Alzheimer's disease. That's a very painful spot, and one that I've dealt with to date mostly by ignoring it; I don't want to do that forever, because I don't think it will work forever.
I have other journals for various purposes, but in all of them I'm known -- people already have a picture of who I am to go with the words, and that creates a kind of self-consciousness. I'm not planning to step out from behind the mask of this one -- it's a mask that lets me be in some ways more honest than wearing my own face out in public would.
What will I talk about? Some of the things in my interest list, some things I can't guess at now. But Agency is up there, and interdependence, and power, and grief, and anger. All those are on the short list. Let's see where this goes.
-C.
